Grumpy Bum
Well after all the positivity on the last post I feel like a fraud writing this one. Today I’m in a big fat F’ing grump. I didn’t want to get up this morning and all day I’ve just wanted to go back there. I was supposed to go watch Jacks rugby match but even that didn’t get me out of the pit. And now I feel like a crap mum for not watching him (see how the spiral is starting).
I had my zoladex injection on Friday (had this every month for the last 4 and a bit years) and I usually feel a bit meh in the few days before and the menopausal symptoms ramp up and its a bit of an ahhh when I get my injection and it settles everything down again. But not this month. Could it be that?
I felt a massive relief getting the blog out on Friday as it had been on my mind for weeks. I’ve always used this as a way to release my ramblings and make sense of things.
I just feel like a fraud though, I had so many kind and thoughtful messages saying how inspirational and strong people think I am but I just don’t see that (or feel that). I’m just a gal cracking on, and whilst I am generally quite positive, I do have the shit days like everyone else and I do worry and I do have days where I think this is really unfair and I’m fucked off with the whole situation (today being one of them).
I’m hoping to get my HER2 result in the next few days and maybe it’s because I know that once that is through, this is very real and things are going to change. Seeing ‘memories’ on Facebook etc is always difficult for me at this time of year because it shows me memories from when I went through chemo the first time (which fell Aug-Dec).
Im feeling the pressure of needing to do something fun for Halloween and Christmas too, because technically I’m a ticking time bomb. I also feel like I can’t sort much out because I don’t know what’s what and what things are going to be like in a month or 2 months. Same goes for booking a family holiday next year.
You’re probably think why are you posting this rambling Kirst? But I thought it was important to show both sides of the coin and the reality of what Cancer does and living with it is like (I.e a rollercoaster). Looking back I definitely didn’t post a true representation of the shitter stuff during my treatment last time and there is literally a draft blog still sitting there from 2021 called “Chemo #2 - I want out” that I never dared to post.
I am generally a smiley, chipper person but I know it’s normal to have these feelings too. I even asked my friends if I came across as some crazy happy psycho in my last blog because I’ve been worried it’s too chirpy for what it’s saying.
I went to Home Bargains this aft and treat myself to some pamper goodies and snacks in a bid to drag my ass out of this grump. After using said goodies in the shower, I have had a revelation! I bought some “Shower Foam” for the first time and woweee it’s a game changer! Wash, shave and smell nice all in one go. I deffo resembled this though 🤣
Aaand on that note in going to eat a sharing bag of Chilli Heatwave Doritos and a bar of Milkybar Aero.
Love,
Kirst xx
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