Hello. How do. Long time no speak!
If you're new here here's a link to my veeeery first post to fill you in a little bit.
For the rest of you, hello again!
I last posted about the end of Radiotherapy treatment, starting Hormone therapy and starting to piece my life back together after the craziness of cancer treatment. I've done a bit of reflecting lately (no I'm not drunk 🤪) and thought it would be good to write a few bits down as I seemed to have had the same conversations over and over (not in a bad way - those that have met me will know I'm a talker! but enough to make me think its worth writing about.) I thought I would split it down into The Good, The Bad & The ugly as although some bits of this shitshow have been horrid there have been some positives, some good that have come out of it and when I looked back at my first post, I was adamant I would be able to find the good. I also wanted to show some of the ongoing things I'm still dealing with - the bad and the ugly!
The Good! 💗
Like I said, from the start of this I have been determined to find some good from all of this. There is. My experiences have made me so passionate how patients are cared for when going through Cancer treatments and have given me a fire in my belly to do everything I can to make my mark. I recently presented at one of the conferences in Radiography about my experiences and how they've influenced how I will practice as a Radiographer. I hope that by sharing my personal experience in a professional setting with a whole host of healthcare professionals, it will influence the way they see the information, care and treatment they give to their patients and make positive changes. By some miracle I also managed to win the 'Forder Memorial Award' from The Society of Radiographers for this presentation. I am proud of myself and the opportunity was pretty cool! but I don't want sound like I'm big headed either.
Moving Forward
I am also a Volunteer with Breast Cancer Now, volunteering on their 'Moving Forward' course which is a course that people can go on after they have finished their active treatment. It aims to connect like minded people and equip and empower them to move forward with their lives after Breast Cancer treatment - a stage I found particularly difficult. Without going through what I have I wouldn't have the opportunity to meet all these amazing people and be able to help them in this unique way. Another positive is that I now actively help Cancer researchers with their projects by giving them valuable insight into what patients would think to treatments, tests and studies they are in the process of getting funding for. Again this is something that I would have limited knowledge of before my diagnosis despite having a background in research.
Still hereeeeeeeee
The other this is obviously I still get to be here. I get to be a wife and I get to be a mum to my gorgeous boys. I get to be a rugby mum and I have the time to enjoy my life with my family. I have a unique perspective on this crazy world and get to shock people daily by showing them the picture of me dressed up as Uncle Fester on Halloween in 2021 and seeing their reactions!
The Bad!
Although my active treatment is over (and has been for a while now) I have not managed to fully escape the joys of cancerland. As my cancer was been 'fed' by hormones, it means I have to be on treatment for at least the next 5 years to stop any potential lurking cancer cells from springing back to life and growing.
Since finishing active treatment in Jan 21 this was done with a combo of a big F off injection (called Zoladex - google it!) in my belly fat of which there lots to go at, so it's all good and a daily tablet of a drug called Anastrozole (or Nastyzole as I call it). This puts me in a chemically induced menopause for the duration of the treatment. The other downside was that it meant I had to go to the oncology clinic for the injection every month (and see an oncologist most times) which, if I'm honest, I was getting tired of. I just wanted to move on and distance myself from that place. I did literally tell my oncologist that I don't want to see her very often anymore. Nice that they're keeping and eye on me. But I'm over it to be honest.
After over 12 months of monthly meetings, my oncologist agreed on trying a different injection that would last 3 months instead of 1. Glorious I thought! Sounds like a plan! What followed was 3 months of sweet hell. Me and this 3 monther (Prostap is the name of this one, I did think it was called Prostrap at first 👀) did not get on. I had mega mood swings which poor Ryan had to deal with, mega sweats and hot flushes at all times of the day and sleep deserted me. This did not make for a happy lady. These are some of the things that you wouldn't know happens unless you're specifically around someone that has gone through this. I'd say people think you have the surgery, chemo and zappin and then you're done. Nope. This bit goes on for between 5 and 10 years. This is the bit that people that don't know about unless they've been around someone with these types of Cancers or on these treatments.
I think this stage is particularly hard because you look more like 'you' again and time has passed. I'm just over 2 years since diagnosis now and I'm sure most that started this journey with me probably will be thinking everything is okay now (I don't blame them at all!). My hair is growing well and just looks like a lovely bob and I've lost the steroid moon face. I do still have the chemo chub though.
Does my brain still work?!
In September I went back to uni! I am now near the end of this year (well, not til Aug - wishful thinking at its finest ey) but I am so chuffed I to officially be a 2nd year Student Radiographer over the last few months and back doing what I love. It has not come without its ups, downs and challenges though. For me, one of the most daunting things about going back was not having any mates. I'm a chatterbox and don't shut up - I need someone to talk to! All my buddies from my 1st year are now in their 3rd year and on a totally different timetable (lovely to bump into you when possible though Lizzie & Emma!). However, I wasn't lonely for long before some lovely ladies (and one gent) soon approached me and took me in (like a stray cat). They've been amazing and have really made me feel welcome and helped me though a challenging year.
Going back as a 2nd year was different from my first for a multitude of reasons. Firstly, just been classed as a disabled student and having to think about the support I would need to study was an eyeopener. I'd never really had to think about how I was realistically going to get to and from uni, how I was going to carry my things (and in what) and whether I would be able to get through a shift on placement and sit through my lectures. All things that I wouldn't have blinked at before.
I was also very worried whether my brain would actually work again after its cocktail of chemotherapy and other drugs on top of the hormone therapy I am on for the foreseeable. I can confirm it does work but I have struggled in remembering things, concentrating and keeping up with the workload like I used to. At first this really upset me, I was doing okay just not as well as my first year. It sounds silly to stress about such a thing looking back, I think as time has gone on I have resigned myself to the fact that I am doing absolutely fine and what will be, will be. I am still "doing it"(uni that is!) and getting by. Even if it is week to week. I literally sit down at the end of each week and say to myself "Well done Kirst, you've survived another week!"
Finally: The Ugly
I feel like I'm been a bit too negative calling this last bit the ugly but ya know what. It kinda is. As I was diagnosed I was given a Mastectomy with immediate implant reconstruction. As it was done I was like ooh hello perky booby. Now I can't say we're at that stage. Think more potato that has been shrunken in the microwave. Technically it has had Radiotherapy which is one reason for it's appearance but still. I am currently deciding what to do next with it. My boob is literally rock hard as I have what is called 'capsular contracture' which is where the body forms a capsule around the implant (and rightly so as it is a foreign object) but then said capsule tightens and squeezes the implant. If you must know me and Ryan call it "Rock Titty Bitch" - like the song "Rack City" by Tyga. We joke it would do more damage to you if you bumped into it.
Jokes aside, its causing my a lot of problems at the moment and I'm currently deciding what to do with it. I had a car accident in Feb which has made it worse and then some biopsies had to be taken from it after it had some changes and now its got infected. I am on the waiting list to get a type of reconstruction called a DIEP (ill leave some links below) but it's basically making a new boob from your belly. However, the menopause is not been kind to me and I'm struggling to get my BMI in the range needed for this surgery. So I may have to consider something else. This is the ugly side, this is when it seems never-ending.
And on that note, I'm going to leave it there. Its been a long post this time as there's been a lot to fill you all in on.
All my love,
Kirst x
Links as usual
Moving Forward Course - https://breastcancernow.org/information-support/support-you/moving-forward
Rack City if you need a refresher! - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHbY3blOGwc
DIEP Surgery - https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/breast-cancer/treatment/surgery/breast-reconstruction/using-body-tissue