Recalled.

Well, I've done well to get 4 years down the line before this has happened. Bloody hell I sound dramatic don't I? I'm pissed off, stressed, upset and 10 million other emotions. It's been what 4 and a bit years since my Cancer diagnosis and I've been on annual Mammogram follow-ups on my remaining boob ever since (not best pleased about this but that's another topic for another day). Well this time it hasn't been the standard annual boob squish followed by a few weeks of anxiety which is soon dissipated by a letter saying everything is fine for another year.

I had my Mammo last week and got a phone call earlier this week (Tuesday) from the breast unit saying they had recalled me. The Mammographers were really lovely, they didn't need to ring me they could have just left the letter to arrive and let things go from there but they didn't and I'm grateful for that. They had a slot free the day after they rang which meant I went in yesterday to see what was what.

I was at work when they rang which stirs up all sorts of emotions and things to deal with. One thing I've been really struggling with during this whole"Survivorship" era is navigating appointments, taking calls and making arrangements while I'm at work in a patient facing role. It's becoming increasingly hard to be Kirsty the patient one moment then Kirsty the Radiographer who shows up for her patients and gives them everything they deserve the next. That magic switch is wearing out. I must point out, my work/managers themselves are brilliant with stuff like this and always accommodate appointments etc, its the systems/policies that aren't fit for purpose.

Anyway, enough garbling on. I went to the recall appointment yesterday and was absolutely shitting myself. I've been here before and I know the ramifications. I know what's at stake. I got into the room with the Mammographer and she told me I had been recalled as they had noticed an area of calcifications that weren't previously present. Well that's my rationalisation of a technical recall (a dodgy mammogram) blown out of the window. I cried. She told me she needed to get some extra Mammo views and would then get them checked and decide if a biopsy was needed. As I was sat on my own back on the worlds most uncomfortable chairs it hit me again, this shit has the potential to be real yet again. Poor Ryan is sat in the waiting room not knowing what's going on and that I might be a bit longer.

I was then called back into another room and as soon as I saw them putting on their plastic aprons I knew my fate - it would be biopsy time. As the calcifications were picked up on a Mammogram, they would be doing a stereotactic needle biopsy - which is where they take needle biopsies while your boob is in a Mammogram machine. New experience for me and I can confidently say I have now had more or less had every type of biopsy going. Worlds shittest achievement. It was not my fave either, the area they are looking at is quite high on my chest wall which meant they really had to pull me in to get to the area they wanted which coupled with the existing scars I've got from previous surgeries felt like my boob was just gonna come off at any moment and feels very battered today! I was impressed with the technology though, the machine basically tells them where they need to biopsy which is cool. I'd much rather not have it been done to me though. I was injected with local anaesthetic and 9 samples were taken followed by a clip been put in so they know where they have taken samples from should they need to go back.

Feeling sorry for myself - the top ugly bit is my old portacath scar and not the biopsy bit!

So, now we wait. I have been told a week or so for the results and to hope they come back from the lab in time for next Thursdays MDT meeting (meeting with all the different Drs). I'm trying to tell myself not to worry - calcifications can go either way, as in can be something or nothing. I'm trying to tell myself that the results are next week's problem. It's not that simple though is it?! I tried going to work this morning like normal and lasted a whole 3 hours before I was in too much pain and needed to come home for some codeine. I hate that it's interfering in my life again. I've let my nearest and dearest know what's going on and I hate that I've had to let them know that something might be wrong AGAIN. Seeing my husband so cut up when I came out and told him I'd had a biopsy and it wasn't the technical recall we'd be hoping for really hurts. I'm now in this weird limbo stage again where I don't know what to do with myself. Trying not to let my mind run but when you've been there before its 100x harder.

I shall stop my brain dump now, I just felt like I needed to get things down.

I may not be Radiating Positivity right now, more like Radiating 5 emotions a minute ranging from anxiety to anger and back again. And my boob bloody hurts.

Will update soon,

Kirst x