5 years on...

Wowww as if its been 5 years since I started this blog which means 5 years since I got a Breast Cancer Diagnosis. 5 years of emotions, ongoing treatments, surgeries and the rollercoaster of life that comes with it. I'm sat here at 5.22am on a Sunday morning writing this as I haven't had the blessing of sleep so far. Not a smidge. I came downstairs eventually to make a brew and journal and ended up thinking about the day everything changed, and ended up re-reading my very first blog post (Here it is if you need a refresher - From Student Radiographer to Patient ). Let me tell you, its given me a kick up the arse - I need to radiate those positive vibes. But also made me reflect on the last 5 (yep still cant believe its 5!!) years and everything that has gone on in between. Another thing that made me realise how much things has moved on was when I logged in and I was asked which AI helper I wanted to write my post! - err none thanks! So, where to start...

Cancer-wise, I am good. I am Cancer free as far as I am aware and long may that be. I am still on Hormonal Therapy and there is a glimmer that I may be able to come off them next year (as it will be 5 years of taking it). Well, I know I can stop by saying NO but what I mean is my Oncologist has run my data through a predictor and said my chances are good with 5 years of treatment and the additional 5 years won't add much. So that's something to look forward to because I have come to the conclusion lately that it's actually pretty bloody rough. I thought I was doing ok but actually, maybe not. It's a hard one because my cancer was strongly hormone controlled so this part of the treatment is a biggie for my treatment plan so it feels like been stuck between a rock and a hard place. Managing the treatment is wearing - I have a monthly injection (which is NOT small) which I have to arrange through my GP and take a tablet in the evening. I have to make sure I order the bloody things and get the appointment when I need it (not easy at my GP) on top of working, been a mum, wife, running a house and everything else I'm supposed to be. I get side effects from it too - those lovely hot flushes at anytime of the day, particularly when I'm trying to go to sleep. My usual routine is to have a 30 min 'cool down' before I can even think of getting some sleep. Oh and not forgetting the wrapping myself in clingfilm like a ham sarnie 30 mins before my injections to keep the numbing cream on my belly. I know I'm whinging and it sounds trivial but its all extra 'stuff' adding to the load and whizzing round my brain. I think I just need to get it all out.

Lets move on to the boob - if you can call it that. It's not happy. I had a mastectomy with immediate implant reconstruction back in 2021 and ended up having my implant replaced in 2023 as it got what is called capsular contracture (basically your body forms a layer to separate the foreign object and it started tightening, medical people do not come for me, I'm keeping it simple) - we called it Rock Titty (think Tyga - Rack City tune). One time my kids argued over who was gonna get the squishy booby when snuggling next to me on the sofa. Nowadays, Rock Titty 2.0 is forming and it aint comfy. It swells, goes funny shapes and even sloshes sometimes. I have asked to be referred to Plastics to see what they can do (again!) because I'm 33 and I need options. On a serious note it has affected how I feel about my body more than I thought it would. 5 years ago I was in survival mode, now I am like woah this is what I look like and have got at least another 50 years in me yet. It affects what type of clothes I wear as I am conscious of the size difference and certain styles make it ever more obvious. Bra shopping is a whole other hell - I have found one brand (Lemonade Dolls - amazing!) that I can wear that supports my unaffected side and doesn't need filling out or has massive gapes but there are limited styles and fits which again influences what I feel comfortable wearing.

I've also had a few sessions of microneedling on my scars as they have gone hypertrophic (big & red) which has helped with their appearance and loosened them up a bit. Im grateful this is available and have also been referred for some laser treatment on them to reduce them further. I have a fairly noticeable one on my chest where my port-a-cath was and it would be nice to feel better about that one as its the one that people see and ask 'what I've done' - totally innocent but totally triggering.

Life in general. Ermmm still a rollercoaster. Navigating work and homelife with regular appointments and side effects has been a challenge and is something I'm still figuring out all these years later. Getting the balance of working hours my body can handle with the wage I need to bring in is conflicting. Radiography is physical and my employer have made the adjustments they can but it still feels hard and I feel like a failure saying that. I worked soooo hard to qualify and get a job in the midst of everything and I really do love being a Radiographer but some days it just feels hard. And I don't know what anyone can do about it really which makes me think I've just got to suck it up and crack on. I know some people go back to how they were before Cancer and I really wish that was me. If anyone has any advice or tips please send them my way!! I'm also coming up to my yearly mammogram which brings its own set of anxieties, especially after last year when I got recalled (LINK - Recalled.). Sometimes I just wanna be left alone to be honest. I know its not the wise option in reality though.

My gorgeous boys - still gorgeous but getting rather big. Now 8 & 10 and nearly in the same size shoes as me! Both playing Rugby and generally been good humans (with lots of fighting and arguing between themselves. I also now have a Husband, we have been married 4 years now and riding the rollercoaster of life together. I'm lucky I got a good 'un, I can't imagine what he's gone through the last few years and continues to deal with my breakdowns (both body and mind).

Well I think I have word vommed enough. I don't even know if I will post this or it will sit in my drafts and stay there. Its just not overly positive really is it?! Real though.

Pray to the sleep gods as its now 6.29am,

Kirst x